Let’s Talk About Breakups…

Well hello,

I’m not sure if many of you will remember me because it’s been so darn long since I made a post. This is because of two reasons… firstly, I tried to self host and it didn’t work in my favour. Secondly, I’ve had a pretty lousy six months in my personal life.

If you read the title of this post then I assume you can probably figure out why my flipped upside down. I went through a break up with my long term boyfriend and if you followed the blog for a while, the man I moved in with this year.

As far as breakups go I assume you could call it amicable and positive. I was devastated obviously, and I believe he was as well but there was no bitterness. We still lived together for the remainder of our lease, we still talk occasionally and there is no nastiness being spread amongst our families and friends.

I feel like since it’s been almost six months since our split that I’ve started to come to terms with a few things and I decided I would share them with you. Without further ado, here is my official list of how to survive a breakup.

MEGHAN’S BREAKUP BIBLE

  1. Pick a time frame to wallow and stick to it. For me I decided that I wouldn’t let my whole life be consumed with how hurt I was. I had school to worry about, I now had to find a new place to live, and I had friends I cared for. Although it was really difficult I managed to try and be happy as much as I could, even if it was put on like a mask. I think it actually helped to try and not be alone and to surround myself with the people who I felt comfortable around.
  2. Allow yourself to have bad days. With all that being said there were many, many days when I decided I was going to stay in bed, watch Netflix, and cry. I cried a lot. I ate a lot. I ordered pizza and brownies to my apartment and ate in bed… while I cried. I skipped school a couple mornings to sleep in and cry some more- and that’s okay.
  3. Don’t throw it all away if you’re not ready. Unfortunately as soon as the split happened everyone around me seemed to think I needed to delete my ex from my life entirely. I was told to ditch old pictures, throw away gifts, delete him on all my socials and so on. As much as this can help for some people to heal, it doesn’t for everyone. If you’re not ready to get rid of those things, or you simply want to keep them because it was a huge part of your life- then don’t. I do suggest putting it away in a safe place where you don’t have to see it everyday… and you can pull it out if you need to.
  4. Talk, a lot. If you’re in a place with your ex where you still have a relationship in which you feel comfortable to talk it out then please do. I am thankful that my ex listened to me wallow, ramble, and just clear out my brain for hours on end. It might feel stupid to tell someone how much they mean to you and get an unwanted result but at least you can leave it all out on the table. I feel so much better knowing that I literally did everything I could, there are no feelings I didn’t share. Honestly I just liked talking to him rather than the wall… makes you feel less crazy.
  5. Learn how to do things on your own. I think one of the biggest adjustments to breaking up with someone is going from being part of two people to only one. I remember trying to open jars and sobbing because I had to ask him for help, simply because I wanted to be able to do it alone. It stinks… it’s no fun to start carrying your own groceries or walking yourself to school or work, but it eventually gets easier. Thankfully I have wonderful friends who didn’t leave me all on my own. I’m getting better at being independent and I feel like once you do it enough you find comfort in being able to succeed on your own.
  6. Don’t rush into someone else if you’re not ready. If you want a rebound to make you feel better then go do it! If you just want to sit and cry and not talk to anyone within a ten mile radius, then that’s okay too.
  7. Breakup sex is a real thing. Before you either reject or participate you need to evaluate if it will be helpful or hurtful. Even if you want it really really bad and you know it will kill you then stay away. If you think it will heal then go nuts. It’s a tricky situation regardless and my advice is to not make it a common thing.
  8. Online stalking is okay- but it usually ends in hurt feelings. You can look at his likes on Instagram but you’re probably gonna find the girl he hooked up with before he met you and let me just say that it hurts like a hard slap to the face. You’ve been warned.
  9. You’re not going to be forever alone. Totally feels like it. But it’s not true. And I know the follow up statement to that is “i’ll never find someone as good”, and you probably will… even if they really were great. You can move from one good relationship to another without taking anything away from either side.

Those are my main tips, I feel like some of them are obvious but also very necessary. If you’re in the middle of a breakup then I feel you. It feels like someone has stomped on you and you just don’t want to get up. I’m currently in the limbo of deciding to put myself back out there or not. It’s scary to try again when you’ve been hurt so badly before.

Another thing that has really flipped me out is my now very apparent lack of a life plan. When you’re living with someone and you have plans for a future you start to bank on that and get comfortable. When people around you tell you its a good idea then you become certain on it. Now I have no plan, and I’m floating around wondering what’s going to happen in my life over the next ten years. It’s exciting, slightly. It’s also really, really scary. As someone who relies on comfort and security I’m just desperate to know what I should do, what I should strive for, and what risks I should or should not take.

If you have any advice for me or anyone else then please leave it in the comments, and kind words are always appreciated as they can do someone a world of good! I hope you enjoyed my return to the page. I’m excited to be back and work on some more posts for you.

As always, any post requests in the comments below.

If you’re reading this because you just had your heart broken, then I’m sorry. No cliché phrase will make you feel better, I know that because I heard them all. This is 6 months past heartbreak Meghan and I’m telling you it gets a little easier. You’re still going to be sad when you visit every place you ever went with them, or when you find their extra toothbrush, or notes they left on your phone…. it sucks, and you have the right to admit and feel that it sucks. Hopefully it doesn’t suck forever.

If you need someone then find them and talk, if you need to talk and can’t find anyone then please feel free to leave me a comment.

Sending all my hugs.

Meghan. xo

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A Letter To Myself One Year Ago, Today.

Dear Me,

Today (March 5, 2015) is the one year anniversary of what I used to think was the worst day of my life. This day last year was one of loss and it was a really big turning point in my life. On this day I experienced a break up so hard and so soul crushing that I thought that pain would never leave me. I was in this relationship for several years and it was my first love. I genuinely believed that this was it for me, you know? I was set and I was happy and I always felt like we were on the same page and knew what each other were thinking. And then one day it was just over, and there was nothing I could do about it.

I remember when it happened that I went looking to collect all of his things and put them away. The last item that had to be placed in the box was the locket that was hanging around my neck. I took it off after a few minutes of trying to talk myself into it and when it lifted off of my skin I instantly fell to the ground like the wind had been knocked out of me. I just collapsed and I cried and I felt like I did this for days. I was locked up in my room, I barely talked to anyone and I spent all my time just longing for my old relationship.

I’m telling you this because I want you to understand that you cannot fully understand the type of situation that you are in until you are taken away from it. I was under the impression that my relationship was healthy and full of nothing but love, but looking back at it now that was so not true.

My relationship was full of arguments and screaming, crying nights, and trust issues. Yes there were some wonderful moments and I was truly in love with this person… but it wasn’t healthy. The bubble that I had been living in was finally burst open and I was really starting to understand that I was spending more time crying and being stressed out than I was smiling and enjoying my time with this person.

I was sat here on my laptop today and I checked the calendar. I realized that one year ago my life was so different than it is right now. One year ago I thought it was okay to have the person you’re dating make you cry on a monthly basis. And I thought it was okay to be on again and off again if they really loved you because they would always come back. I thought it was okay to settle for something that wasn’t 100% positive because I didn’t want to be away from a comfort zone.

I thought that the pain would never go away and I would never be able to move on. I didn’t think that I would be able to accept another person romantically into my life because the whole world felt like it was crumbling around me. I want to make it so clear that if you feel like you’re drowning in something I understand how you feel. It makes you want to never get up out of bed and the things that usually make you happy seem to have no effect on you anymore because all you can think about is how sad you are and should be feeling. I want you to know that it sucks. And it has every right to suck. You have every right to acknowledge how much it sucks and to bitch and whine until the cows come home because you never have to apologize for your feelings. They are real and they should be validated.

One year ago today I thought that I was done being in love and that I had had my one shot at an epic romance. I thought no one else was going to love me because I wasn’t like other girls my age. I don’t drink, I don’t party, I like to write and read books, I prefer my family over a room full of people from my high school and I don’t like to wear makeup when I’m not going anywhere.

I want you to know that I was wrong to think that way. I was wrong because I didn’t accept who I was and understand that if I was okay with not being the same as everyone else then other people would be too. I met a few boys who were like “no way this chick is a grandma” and they left. And it sucked, you know. That hurt my feelings, i’ll admit it. But finally I found someone who was like you know what that is okay and I like that.

I wish that I could tell myself a year ago that the pain that I was feeling wasn’t going to last forever. I wish I could have said not to give up on love just because you think that all of yours has been used up by the world. I wish I could have known that I shouldn’t settle for anything less than what I deserve, and to listen to my loved ones when they told me that I shouldn’t be doing something because they saw the toll it took on my life. I wish I had known that a year from then I would be a lot more confident and proud of who I am. I wish I knew that I would find a wonderful man who loves me with every inch of his soul. I found one that opens doors, lets me pick the TV show, carries my bags, orders me pizza when I’m stressed from school work, writes me notes of apologies when we fight and slides them under the door when I lock him out of the bathroom.

I wish I had known that a year could change so many things in my life and that nothing ever stays the same. I wish someone could have told me that my life was going to pick up and explode into flowers and rainbows but they couldn’t.

The only thing that could help me was time.

Now it’s a year later and I’m sat writing to people I’ve never met before and I’m sharing the most painful year of my life. I’m sharing this because I realized that I don’t even remember this person’s birthday anymore. I don’t remember what we fought about, I don’t remember the crying and I don’t remember the stress that I used to feel about life in general.

Life has a way of sorting itself out and I really want people to know that. You have to have patience, and you have to allow things to change in order for them to get better. You have to realize that you cannot control everything in your life and maybe that’s a good thing. You have to learn to stand up for what you believe in and what you deserve because you are a bomb ass person who should have nothing less. You have to remember what it feels like to be alone sometimes, and more importantly you have to be okay with that feeling.

You have to do what’s best for you and your soul. If that means skipping class and watching Taylor Swift videos while you eat Ice Cream one day a month then do that. If you want to go rock climbing and scream all of your anger out then do that too. You need to take care of yourself mentally and make a place in your mind that you can escape to when bad things happen in your life. Because they’re going to happen, there’s no way around that fact. And when they do happen you have to take a deep breath and remind yourself that in a year those things wont matter. And they won’t have time to torment your mind and your emotions. They will disappear and become a dull pain that you get every couple of months when you hear an old ringtone that used to belong to someone you dated, or you smell your grandmother’s perfume that you haven’t smelt since she died.

It doesn’t last forever, and it changes. You will have new things to worry about that are worth much more of your time. You will do great things and you will find happiness. You will fall in love. It could be with a person or a place, a song, a food, a culture. You will be happy. And you will remember these days of heartache and sadness for the sole purpose of reminding yourself just how far you have come.

Sincerely,

Meghan. (March 5, 2016).

A Letter To Myself One Year Ago, Today.